The hubbub of graduations and commencements is over. Now, it is simply me in my bed, surrounded by seemingly infinite bouquets and a bundle of balloons hovering above my head, appropriately accompanied by a “2026 Grad” garland on the wall. It’s quiet. It’s calm. It’s thought-provoking.
Attending college was never an “if” for me. Dare I say it was something I was born to do. My parents and grandparents were immigrants who did not have the luxury of pursuing higher education. Yet, education remained sacred in my family. My mom always wanted to pursue a degree, so she got her Associate’s in International Business at Santa Ana College, all while juggling a full-time job, two kids, and a loser husband. Talk about being a #beast. My grandpa’s American Dream was to see his children and grandchildren succeed and graduate from college. Now, I am officially part of that dream realized.
Conveniently, school was something that had always come easily to me. I did not always think that until a longtime friend from elementary school pointed that out to me. We were catching up on our college lives, and I said that I’ve been doing well. He replied, “Well, yeah, you’ve always been good at school.” I was caught off guard… but I agreed. Obviously, this is not to say I am a genius in any way, shape, or form. I just think I know how to play the game. How to do just enough to get by. So, am I even intelligent in any aspect, or was my entire academic career pure luck? An argument can be made for both cases. Still, I graduated cum laude. Although the lowest distinction, it is a praise nonetheless.
My vision of my college years that I had for myself was much different from what I pursued. I fully believed and told everyone that I was going to go out of state. In part, I did not lie. I did get accepted to the University of Portland. I was set on going untillll I did the math, and that dream was quickly crushed. So, I went to The Beach.
My first two years were socially difficult, confusing, and directionless. Being a naive, barely legal adult living away from home was a lot. I was trying so hard to fit into that typical college experience narrative that I did not really pay attention to what I truly wanted. It did not help that my two best friends are the most outgoing people I have ever met in my entire life, so naturally, I was trying to keep up. It was two cognitively dissonant years.
When I moved back home, there was a switch. I paid more attention to who I am. Unfortunately, at my core, I am antisocial. A recluse, if you will. I met two people in my first month of college, and they matched my energy, so I simply stopped trying to look for friends. If these girls fill my cup, why bother anywhere else? Needless to say, I did try to make friends, but I learned I have no patience for making friends. If I don’t like your vibe, I’m not even going to bother having a conversation.
Also, the commuter school experience is much more different than that of UCLA, for example, where first-years are required to live on campus. That sense of community and forceful socialization is something you’re not going to get at LBSU. Needless to say, that is not an excuse because college is what you make of it. I was just simply not looking for that.
College really does help you figure out who you are. I started with a terrible haircut, nose piercing, and the worst outfits that a living soul could put together. And I wonder why I made no friends. But seriously, a lot has changed between then and now, and I believe for the better. For starters, I have a greater sense of who I am as a person. That sense of self is still developing, as I am only 21, but I’m building the foundation.
Everyone tells you college is where you “find yourself”. Films and media portray it as some cinematic journey that ends in a massive resolution where suddenly everything clicks into place. In reality, it is much more mundane. The real changes come through quiet realizations. It happens when you stop forcing yourself into places that don’t feel natural to you. It happens when you stop performing for everyone else.
A realization I had that freed me in many ways was that it’s okay not to care. I don’t care about going out. I don’t care about attention. I don’t care about drinking. I don’t care about having millions of friends. I just don’t. And, that’s okay.
Once I stopped chasing that movie-like college experience I thought I was supposed to have, everything became much quieter. I let go and accepted who I am. Well, I’m learning to accept. I will admit, sometimes I do feel lame for not doing things or being like everyone else my age. Oh, how comparison is the thief of joy. But when I reflect and put myself in those situations, I realize I really would not like to be out at a bar at 2 am. That is simply not in my interest.
My post-grad plans are to find happiness and comfort within myself. I’m glad I’m not jumping straight into the corporate world because I just need some time to simply exist. Some time to explore, discover, and, above all else, enjoy.
College is a beautiful thing. I am grateful to have attended during such a formative age. I suppose I discovered, for all intents and purposes, that I’m boring, but someone’s got to hold down the fort, right?
Maybe my college experience did not look the way I imagined it to, but I think it became exactly what I needed it to be. And I think, for now, that is enough.
-ch3rryhiatus
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